Family Corner
Provided by Mad About Marriage Ministry:
September 30, 2023
Chaos & Clutter or Sanctuary?
What kind of home are you and your spouse creating? There's something special about working together to create a peaceful sanctuary.
What does it take to create such a place?
Sharing Your Ideas, Hopes and Dreams
Have a conversation where you share your dreams of an ideal home with each other.
Start the conversation by talking about what you liked and disliked about the home you grew up in.
You can also talk about what you loved about your previous places.
What made you feel comfortable and at home?
Was it the couch, pillows, cozy bed, music, candles, certain decorations, or art on the walls?
Remember to include the spiritual part of your marriage. What role will prayer and family worship have? Are there any special rituals you want to do weekly that embrace and celebrate your faith?
Collaborate
Creating a sanctuary means you have to work together; it's give and take; everyone should have a say and take part, otherwise resentment is created.
Your home is a sanctuary for everyone in the family.
Create a cheerful place of rest and warmth that calms your minds, encourages happy interactions, and soothes your souls...
Create a home environment where even the angels of God enjoy visiting and staying.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
September 23, 2023
Stop Clashing With Your Spouse
According to studies, 68 percent of all conflict in marriage is due to personality differences.
Here are some tips for navigating personality clashes when they happen without creating unnecessary conflict.
Know YOUR personality…
For starters, have a good understanding of your own personality and tendencies.
Are you the kind of person who prefers to process things on your own before talking to your spouse or someone who needs to talk things through with your spouse to process things?
Do you give quick responses but then change your mind just as fast?
Or, is it difficult for you to change your mind once it’s made up, no matter how much someone tries to convince you?
Know YOUR spouse’s personality…
In addition to knowing your own personality, understand your partner’s personality traits and temperament needs.
What kind of person is your spouse regarding openness, self-discipline, extroversion, empathy, and stress management?
Are they someone who is competitive and always strives to be at the top, or are they someone who embraces “flow states,” learning, and enjoying the process?
What are some of their goals and values?
What motivates them?
What are some ways they express love?
And what do they need from you to feel loved?
Are they someone who needs to hold hands and gaze into each other’s eyes to feel an intimate connection?
What kind of person do they believe and perceive themselves to be?
Finally, do they know this information about you? (Do YOU know this information about yourself?)
Communicate & Share needs...
The whole point of knowing your personality is so that you can share your needs and thought process with your spouse.
This helps them to understand you and your personality better, and lets them know the areas where they need to make adjustments, and vice-versa.
Most people want to make their spouse feel loved and are willing to compromise for the sake of having peace and being happily married.
It all starts with safe, open, heart-felt communication.
Sometimes it’s helpful to enlist the aid of a counselor or therapist to have these conversations, which is something you and your spouse might consider if there’s a lack of trust or you feel disconnected.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
September 16, 2023
42% of These Marriages Fail:
Forty-two percent of long distance relationships fail, of which sixty-two percent end because of a lack of intimacy, according to some statistics.
Being apart has negative consequences.
But so does coming back together after spending time apart.You'd think it'd be a dream come true. But that isn't always the case.
There's plenty of marriage advice on how to make long-distance relationships work, but not much on how to readjust to married life after long periods of time away.
New Routines
Living together after long distance is just like being newly married.
You can’t continue with your old routines and expect your spouse to fit into your routines.
You need to develop new routines as a couple.
Some of the routines you might want to consider are eating at least one meal together as a family, doing some fun activities together every weekend, and attending church together.
Keep in mind that you might need to adjust your new routine several times before you find one that works.
Personal Space and Alone Time
When you were living apart, you got used to having a great deal of space, freedom, and alone time.
It goes without saying that spending most of your time in each other’s spaces will take some getting used to.
Sparks might fly.
In the mean time, give each other personal space and time.
This might require creating a physical space for each of you to “get away.” This way, you don’t have to leave the home to unwind; you can just retreat into your “cave” for an hour or two.
It’s also perfectly fine to want to spend time with friends and family members.
You don’t need to spend every waking moment with each other to prove that you still love each other, or that time away indicates you prefer the way things when you were apart.
Married life after long distance requires you and your spouse to develop new routines.
This can be a bit challenging but as long as you both stick with it, are gracious, and have patience, you’ll make it work.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
September 9, 2023
Anniversary Blues?
Wedding anniversaries have a way of forcing you to take stock of your marriage, even if you’re happily married.
If you’re in an unhappy marriage, your anniversary can be a painful day because it forces you to realize your married life doesn’t match your hopes and dreams.
What should be a very happy day becomes a very sad day.
The quickest way to deal with anniversary blues is to focus less on the areas in which your married life doesn’t match your dreams, and focus more on appreciating what you have, at least for starters.
Just because you’re not feeling intense pleasure and emotional ecstasy doesn’t mean you’re marriage is coming to an end or that you’re destined to be unhappy forever. An internal state of well-being and contentment is just as good.
Celebrate Your Anniversary
Instead of focusing on all the things that aren’t right in your marriage, just lay those things aside for the day and celebrate your anniversary.
For one day, find something to be grateful for and celebrate.
Granted, this can be a bit difficult if your partner isn’t as enthusiastic about your anniversary as you are.
So don’t be shy about reminding your spouse that it’s your anniversary; there’s nothing wrong with that.
Although it can be a little hurtful that your spouse needs to be reminded that it’s your anniversary, it’s not necessarily a sign that they don't care.
Also, don’t shy away from telling your spouse what you want on your anniversary.
Your spouse might think simply saying “happy anniversary” or getting a card is enough. If you want more, tell them.
If you’d love to go out for dinner, tell them. If you’d like to exchange gifts, tell them.
Suggest some anniversary ideas that you feel you’d enjoy and be happy with.
Remember, your spouse’s willingness to do these things for you is more important that whether or not they came up with the idea.
Dealing with anniversary blues is much easier when you’re having the wedding anniversary celebration of your dreams, which might not be this year.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a happy and memorable celebration this year, as you and your spouse work towards having the kind of marriage you look forward to celebrating for many years to come!
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
September 2, 2023
Is It Possible to Love Your Spouse Too Much?
Every married person wants to feel deeply loved by their spouse, but not suffocated!
Is it possible to love your spouse too much or for them to love you too much?
Can you imagine going up to your spouse and saying something like: "Hey! You love me too much and are driving me crazy!!"
Love Me but Not Too Much
Too much love is a love that engulfs, suffocates, or swallows up our individuality.
We want someone who loves us and cares about our well being, while still allowing us to maintain our individuality.
It's just too much when one spouse is hyper-focused on their partner's needs and interests, often to the exclusion of their own.
A love that suffocates is typically triggered by an insecurity about the relationship, usually the fear of losing someone.
It disregards what the other person wants, and uses neediness as a means to control their actions.
That type of “love” feels very different from real love, which prioritizes the other person’s happiness and, by extension, their freedom and autonomy.
When you understand the real motivation behind loving “too much” you can stop feeling guilty about feeling smothered and focus your energy on getting the love you want or need.
Teach Your Spouse How To Love You
The first and most important thing is to deal with the insecurities behind your spouse's unhealthy expressions of love.
Instead of telling your partner to love you less, talk to them about how they make you feel.
Don’t just say you feel smothered; explain how their behavior makes you feel like they don’t trust you.
Teaching your spouse how you want to be loved isn’t as hard as it sounds.
It’s all about being present and giving feedback:
Appreciating and complimenting your spouse when they show you love the way you like it, BUT also confidently (and gently) expressing your feelings when they do something that makes you uncomfortable or you don't like.
Romantic love is a constant negotiation.
You’re constantly learning how to love your partner and teaching them how you want to be loved, and vice-versa.
Just because you’re spouse is loving you too much doesn’t mean they can’t learn to love a little "less!" - in a way that doesn't smother your relationship but allows it (and you) to breathe!
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
August 26, 2023
When One Spouse Earns More Money
Usually, one spouse makes more money than the other. And, surprisingly, it's a leading cause of marriage and money problems.
Here are some of the issues this imbalance causes:
Guilt and Resentment
It’s very common for the spouse who makes less to feel guilty and powerless when it comes to the household finances.
They feel guilty spending money they didn't earn, or feel they must be extra frugal to demonstrate they don't take the money for granted.
The “breadwinner” on the other hand may feel resentment towards the spouse who earns less. Or
feel taken advantage of when the other spouse spends money on things that aren't considered “essential.”
In a healthy relationship, there is no “mine” or “yours”, it’s all “ours.”
One way some couples deal with this is by having a joint account, in addition to separate accounts, for paying bills and saving for joint goals.
The spouse who earns less money manages the joint account to remove any feelings of powerlessness; and it gives them a say in the finances.
In addition to the joint account, each spouse should get a personal allowance for their hobbies and interests to spend freely without guilt.
The spouse who makes more money should acknowledge and appreciate what the spouse, who earns less, brings to the table and why.
Are they earning less because they’re doing most of the child care duties?
Would you really rather be spending more on child care just so your spouse can work as much as you do?
Are they re-entering the workforce after spending years taking care of the family and managing the household?
Has there been an unfortunate loss of job or career?
Communicate, and Budget
Most of these kinds of marriage problems can be resolved with open communication and a budget.
If you feel guilty for spending money because you make less, talk to your spouse about having some guilt-free spending money every month.
If you resent your spouse for spending too much, talk about creating a household budget that ensures all the bills are taken care of and you each have a set amount of spending money every month.
In a loving, non-accusatory manner, talk about how both of you can earn more.
Keep in mind that you’re a team and the goal shouldn’t be for the person who makes less to make more but to bring in more money for the family.
If it’s easier and more realistic for the person who already makes more to make even more, that’s what your efforts as a family should go towards.
This marriage advice may not take care of all your money problems, but it can point you in the right direction.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
August 19, 2023
5 Ways to be More Romantic Now
Romance slowly fades over time for many couples because of kids, jobs, and other responsibilities.
They don't have the time or energy to be romantic.
Or so they think.
And so romance is kicked to the curb.
But you can't have a happy marriage without romance.
Couples who want a happy marriage (and that should be you :) must find ways to make romance part of their daily routine.
Here are some easy ways to do just that:
Hold Hands
Holding hands is one of the easiest ways to enjoy more touch; it's such an innocent and sweet romantic gesture.
It’s perfect for when taking a walk, riding in the car, or watching TV with your spouse.
Flirt
Flirting isn’t just for pre-marriage dating!
It’s one of the best ways to win your spouse’s heart over and over again!
Start by gazing romantically at your spouse and, when they catch you staring, blow them a kiss.
Send flirtatious texts or leave romantic notes complimenting them on how they look.
Ask them out
Asking them out on a surprise date is spontaneous and is a great addition to scheduled date nights because it's unexpected. People like surprises! It's called being romanced.
This obviously requires some planning, but a lunch date is pretty easy to pull off because you don’t have to get a sitter or muster the energy to go out when you’re already tired.
Celebrate small victories
Making a big deal out of your spouse’s victories, no matter how small, is a great way to demonstrate your love and support.
The victory could be anything from landing a new client to successfully completing a project or finishing a course.
Bring them a gift
Gifts will always be one of the most straight forward romantic gestures in married life.
Spontaneous, “just because" gifts are the best.
For instance, if you see a something at the store you think your spouse would like, get it for them! It’s really that simple.
Being romantic is so much easier when romantic gestures are a part of your everyday married life.
Review the above tips to see which one you'll choose to do today!
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
August 12, 2023
Want More from Your Marriage?
A happy and healthy marriage should be a place where a husband and wife are free to "find themselves," to grow and evolve, and to express themselves, pursue personal fulfillment.
(Of course, being unquestionably faithful to each other and upholding one's marriage vows is a given.)
Although a marriage should meet your spouse's physical and emotional needs, it should also support their journey of self discovery in their careers, passions, talents, and faith, among other things.
Marriage shouldn't be a place of control and restriction where one spouse dictates everything that happens.
A good spouse supports their partner's personal growth and contribution.
When a spouse feels hindered by their partner to pursue personal growth and self-expression, to be free, they quickly become unhappy and dissatisfied with married life.
Low levels of marital satisfaction can are a pathway to divorce, and should be avoided, obviously.
But some people have an unhealthy need for control and certainty, which negatively impacts their spouse's mental and emotional health.
How to Support your Spouse’s Personal Growth
Believe in your spouse’s potential to become a better version of themselves while still celebrating how far they have come.
These two actions must go hand in hand for a happy marriage.
Focusing on their potential without celebrating their achievements makes them feel inadequate, whereas focusing on their present without seeing their potential makes it seem like you don’t believe in them.
Look, you're not your spouse’s life coach or personal trainer.
There’s a huge difference between supporting your spouse and pushing them to achieve their goals (or your goals for them, for that matter).
The former creates a team dynamic and makes it feel like the two of you are in it together, while the latter creates a toxic power dynamic.
Create a marital environment where your spouse feels comfortable to be exactly where they are and free to choose when to begin or halt their journey.
Give them the freedom to fail.
But support, encourage, and nurture them; affirm them - perhaps even nudge them but without being demanding or controlling.
It's impossible to have a happy marriage when one spouse is always acting like a coach, trainer, or accountability partner.
Be a supportive, uplifting influence to your spouse,
and remember that it's their life to live.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
August 5, 2023
ARE YOU A GOOD SPOUSE?
We all want a spouse who's there for us - someone we can count, who has our back and is there when we need them.
A good spouse is someone who makes their husband or wife feel secure in their marriage.
That isn't to say that a good husband or wife never disappoints their significant other; that’s impossible. It just means they try really hard not to.
What’s your track record?
Evaluate your track record as a spouse. Do you have a habit of making promises and not following through?
Do you constantly find yourself apologizing and promising, “It won’t happen again?”
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, it might be time for a change.
Ways To Make Your Spouse Feel More Secure
Doing your part...
Taking care of the kids and doing chores is extremely important, even if you're not the primary parent.
Your partner should be able to go away for a couple of hours or days and not have to worry about the kids being fed, bathed and taken care off.
They shouldn't have to worry about the chores getting done and the home maintained.
Being financially responsible...
Being responsible with money and taking care of your finances is also part of being there for your partner.
This means working hard, spending money wisely and planning and saving for the future.
You don’t want your spouse to constantly worry about how you’re going to pay rent and other bills.
Financial stability or lack thereof plays a huge role in whether the marriage feels secure.
Protect your marriage...
Protecting your marriage is something your spouse should be able to count on you for.
They should be confident that you won't pursue an affair with another person even if that person comes on to you.
Your spouse should be confident and secure that you will protect your marriage from harm, evil, and temptation.
Your partner should know you only have eyes for them and that you’re fully committed to the marriage, and to being a faithful spouse no matter what.
Emotional or physical adultery is never excusable or justified.
Support your spouse...
You should be in your spouse's corner all day every day.
Being your spouse’s greatest supporter allows them to feel emotionally secure.
They should know that they can always count on your support in married life, whether physical or emotional.
Being there for your spouse demonstrates that you are committed to their happiness, and it makes them feel more comfortable and secure. It’s what a good wife or husband does.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
July 29, 2023
All 5 Love Languages? Really?
Everyone has a primary love language which they absolutely need to feel loved.
But most people also have secondary love language which plays a huge part in keeping their love tank full.
While it’s important to speak your spouse’s primary love language, it doesn’t mean that you can completely ignore the other love languages. People are capable of appreciating more than one love language.
If your spouse’s primary language is quality time, it doesn’t mean they don’t need words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch.
For example, they probably expect gifts on birthdays and anniversaries, even if receiving gifts is not their primary love language.
As a married person, your goal is to be fluent in all five love languages.
How to Speak the Five Love Languages
Quality Time
Quality time is not just about being together physically. It’s about proximity and undivided attention.
For this reason, doing fun activities for couples doesn’t always count as quality time. It only counts when the focus is more on the other person rather than the activity.
Physical Touch
Physical touch means showing love through hugs, cuddling, hand holding, massages, and even simply sitting close to each other on the couch. For example, if your spouse is going through something difficult, a hug can go much further in conveying your love than a gift.
Gifts
People feel loved when you invest money and time in picking out something special for them. It lets them know that they’re more important to you than the money or time you sacrificed in order to get them the gift.
Acts of Service
This is when you go out of your way to do something that makes your spouse’s life a little easier. This could be something as simple as making dinner, cleaning, driving them to an appointment or doing pretty much any other errand for them.
Words of Affirmation
Words of affirmation means using your words to let the other person know you love, appreciate, and cherish for them. It goes beyond simply saying I love you; it includes compliments and reassurances.
All five love languages are necessary for a happy marriage. While it’s important to pay special attention to your spouse’s primary love language, you shouldn’t ignore the others.
So, what’s your spouse’s primary and secondary love languages?
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
July 22, 2023
Loving a "Gift-Hungry" Spouse
Gifts are among the five love languages and a great way to show love.
In fact, there are people who need gifts in order to feel truly loved! But this doesn’t mean they're materialistic.
It’s not really about the gifts but about the love, thoughtfulness and effort behind them.
Like they say, it’s the thought that counts.
Loving a Gift Lover
While gift giving comes naturally for some people, it's stressful for others.
Some people dislike shopping and the pressure of finding the right gift. But anyone can learn to enjoy giving gifts.
If your partner’s love language is receiving gifts, you need to figure out what their expectations are.
Don’t assume they only appreciate expensive gifts or expect a gift every other day.
Find out which holidays and occasions are most important to them; make sure you remember them!
Set reminders so you’re not racing around trying to find the perfect gift at the last minute.
Remember, gifts only count as a show of love IF they are thoughtful and meaningful - your spouse must feel loved every time they look at them.
Spontaneous Gifts
Spontaneous gifts are the best so you should always be on the lookout for small gifts your spouse would love.
You might not believe this but somethng as small as pack of their favorite gum can mean a lot to them.
A spontaneous gift, no matter how small, lets them know that they’re on your mind and that you pay attention to what they like.
It’s an Investment
If your significant other’s love language is receiving gifts, any gifts you give them are an investment in the marriage.
Thinking of it this way helps you focus less on the money you’re spending and more on the joy your spouse gets from receiving those gifts.
People who love receiving gifts are often misunderstood and mistaken for being materialistic or “high maintenance," which is unfortunate.
This is why it’s so important for their spouses to understand that it’s not about the gift itself but the love and thoughtfulness behind the gift.
Whether or not your gift-giving/recieving is one of your spouse's love languages, why not show love to them today with a spontaneous gift?
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
July 15, 2023
Spouse Less Attractive?
Suppose you marry a person you’re attracted to and then they change their appearance so drastically that the physical attraction is no longer there.
What do you do?
This a very complicated matter that needs to be handled wisely and delicately.
When you’re talking about someone’s physical attractiveness, you’re bound to encounter strong opinions.
The last thing your spouse wants to hear is that you're no longer attracted to them.
For all you know, your partner isn't happy with their appearance either but something keeps them from making a change.
The last thing you want to do is blurt out an unkind remark that hurts them.
The Bible repeatedly warns against speaking in haste, which is especially important in this situation.
How to Deal With This Issue
For starters, identify what's changed about your spouse’s appearance.
It's important to pinpoint what you’re no longer attracted to.
Is it their weight, clothes, hair etc?
Secondly, figure out what emotions are hiding behind the loss of attraction.
This is important because loss of attraction is sometimes a collection of emotions.
Do you maybe feel disrespected?
Do you find yourself questioning whether your spouse even cares about you and physical attraction in your marriage?
After all, it's easy to feel that if they really cared about you they wouldn’t have let themselves go!
You might also find yourself wondering: Why doesn't my spouse change or give their best for me. Don’t they think I'm worth it?
The Talk
Eventually, you have to talk to your spouse about it.
Start by reassuring them that you love them. Then open your heart and delicately share what you've noticed and how it makes you feel; very kindly share specific examples; have compassion for their journey.
Be supportive. Demonstrate great understanding. No one wants to feel attacked or that they're not good enough or don't measure up.
Lastly, ask if they're willing to consider committing to making a change, encourage them to seek professional guidance/coaching/counseling, depending on the issue.
It’s important to keep reassuring your partner of your love for them long after you’ve had this talk because they need to know that while this may have affected physical attraction, it hasn’t affected the foundation of your marriage.
Lastly, practice what you preach. Your spouse deserves your best, too. Is there something about how you dress or take care of your body that you can enhance for them?
This is a delicate issue that's bound to offend a few people but it doesn't change the fact that it's an issue in marriages even though it isn't discussed.
It's better to discuss it and work together to give each other your best rather than leaving the door open for unhealthy activities and influences to enter your marriage. Besides, your spouse deserves your very best in all areas of your life, mental, spiritual, emotional, and physical.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
July 8, 2023
Is Internet Flirting Cheating
Bored spouses sometimes use the Internet to find some excitement.
They feel it's a “safe” way to get attention, feel better about themselves, and boost their mood.
Many of them don't think having an online “buddy” counts as cheating or emotional infidelity.
(Emotional infidelity is a thing...and it's just as serious as physicial infidelity.)
When is Flirting Cheating?
If you feel the need to hide your interactions with your online buddy from your partner, or you find yourself rationalizing or justifying your friendship, chances are what you’re doing is emotional cheating.
When your friendship with your online buddy begins to feed your sexual fantasies or meet your emotional needs, you've crossed the line.
Slippery Slope
Flirting of any kind tends to be a slippery slope that often takes on a life of its own.
One thing leads to another and things get out of control fast!
Rationalizing suggestive messages and inside jokes is just one step away from rationalizing a lunch date or two.
Flirting also takes energy and attention away from your spouse and weakens your marriage.
You marriage cannot thrive and will not survive if you are starving it and denying it the attention it needs and rightly deserves.
Either you're feeding and nurturing your marriage or you're not.
And if you're feeding and nurturing a relationship with someone outside of your marriage at the expense of your spouse, it's wrong.
Lastly, flirting puts your spouse in the awkward position of competing with someone they don’t even know exists. And it's a situation they should never ever be put in.
How is your spouse supposed to win when he or she doesn’t know there’s a competition going on?
Thinking About It Is Just As Bad
Committing infidelity in your thoughts is just as bad as doing the deed itself.
Emotional infidelity is just as sinful and harmful to your Christian marriage as sexual infidelity.
Also, if your online friend is not aware that you're married, you're essentially helping them sin, which isn't something you want to be a part of.
Goes Against Your Marriage Vows
When you got married, you vowed to forsake all others.
Having a flirtatious friendship with someone who isn't your spouse goes against that vow.
Emotional infidelity can sneak up on you and ruin your happy marriage before you know it.
The best way to keep it from happening is is to guard your marriage and avoid opening the door to infidelity via online flirting of any kind.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
July 1, 2023
TROUBLE RELATING TO YOUR SPOUSE?
Part of being a good spouse is being there for your partner when they're going through a tough time.
But what if you're having trouble relating to them and what they're going through? These tips might help.
Please listen to your partner..
One of the worst things you can do is try to guess what they’re thinking or how they’re feeling when what you should do is ask questions and listen carefully.
This helps you to understand your spouse’s perspective.
It’s much easier to be empathetic when you put yourself in their shoes.
Please don’t tell your spouse how to feel..
When your wife or husband shares how they feel, accept if for what it is even if you don't understand it.
Refrain from saying things like “you shouldn’t be worried” or “you worry too much” because it makes your partner feel discounted and unimportant.
This also applies to situations where you have wronged your partner.
It’s important to listen to how your spouse is feeling, and then apologize for making them feel that way.
Please put your spouse’s needs first...
Being able to put your spouse’s needs first, even when you don’t understand what’s bothering them, is such an important skill.
The fact your spouse needs your support should be enough for you, even if you can’t relate to what your spouse is going through.
It's part of being a good wife or husband.
You won’t always be able to relate to what your spouse is going through, but you can ALWAYS support them by being empathetic, supportive, and loving.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
June 24, 2023
WILL YOUR MARRIAGE LAST?
Psychologists have conducted many studies on the reasons why marriages fail and succeed.
They've discovered certain things happy couples do that unhappy couples don’t. And here they are:
The Way You Fight
Conflict is natural in married life but different people handle conflict differently.
Studies show that couples that last have certain things in common regarding how they resolve conflict.
For starters, they avoid hitting below the belt and address the issue at hand instead of attacking their partner personally.
Want a marriage that falls apart and ends in divorce? Attack your partner. Hit below the belt. A person will endure so much of that kind of treatment before walking away. If they don't walk away physically, they'll walk away emotionally.
Want a marriage that lasts? Focus on the issues instead of focusing on what the other person has done wrong.
The best way to improve how you and your partner “fight” and deal with conflict is to lay down some ground rules.
You can agree to take a “timeout” whenever you start losing control and things are getting too heated.
Alternatively, you can agree to only address one issue at a time, as soon as it occurs.
The Way You Love
Happy spouses understand each other’s love languages.
A happy, loving spouse will strive to meet their spouse's expectations of love through their partner's love language.
They love their partner in ways that their partner recognizes as love and can receive.
The Way You Treat Each Other
Successful couples treat each other with generosity and kindness.
Generosity brings a couple together and strengthens the connection between them, whereas selfishness and harshness separates them.
A happy spouse will choose to appreciate what their partner is doing right instead of focusing on what they are doing wrong.
They also assume the best intentions until proven wrong.
To find out if you’re on the right track, ask yourself how you would react if your spouse went to the store and forgot to buy one item.
Would you be grateful for the things they bought back or be angry about the one thing they forgot?
Treating each other with kindness increases the ratio of positive experiences to negative ones, which is the recipe for a healthy, happy, and lasting marriage.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
June 17, 2023
ARE YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE CLOSE ENOUGH?
Is it possible is it to have a happy marriage if the spouses don’t feel close to each other?
Surprisingly, yes.
It's possible for an emotionally distant couple to be just as happy as a couple that is very close IF they're both happy with the degree of closeness between them.
(Whether or not it’s a healthy relationship is another matter.)
Expectation vs. Reality
You would assume that emotional intimacy and closeness lead to a happy marriage, but they don’t.
It’s most important for the spouses’ expectations regarding closeness to match, or to be as close as possible.
When you pair someone who craves a high level of closeness and intimacy in a marriage with someone who yearns for distance and more “alone time,” you're going to have problems, according to a study by researchers at Columbia University.
On average, only 37% of married couples are content with the level of closeness in their relationship.
On the other hand, more than half of married couples desire a closer relationship.
Finding the Right Balance
The first step is to acknowledge that there is no right or wrong amount of closeness in a relationship.
Your partner isn’t wrong for wanting to spend every waking moment with you or wanting more alone time to pursue their interests.
What’s important is to have a mutual acceptance and respect for each other’s needs before embarking on a search for the right balance.
Secondly, you need to discuss your individual needs.
Don’t just say you’re feeling smothered or you’re feeling abandoned; be specific.
If you need an hour to unwind after work or one day a week to focus on your hobby, let your partner know.
Once you’ve both laid your needs on the table, you can negotiate and find a formula that works for both of you and supports your marriage.
Don’t be so focused on finding the perfect formula; just find something you’re both willing to experiment with and modify as you go along.
Happiness in married life isn’t dependent on the closeness of the couple.
It’s dependent on how closely your expectations for closeness and emotional intimacy match your partner’s expectations and the everyday reality of your marriage.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
June 10, 2023
MAKE YOUR SPOUSE YOUR SOULMATE
How much do you believe in soulmates or twin flames?
In describing their soulmate connection with their partner, some spouses say it’s feeling deeply connected to their wife or husband (not in a co-dependent, needy way), in a relationship where each other’s needs are equally met.
If you believe in soulmates, then you believe there’s a single person with whom you can have a deep feeling of affinity, love and intimacy, which is something we all desire and seek, regardless of whether we believe in soulmates.
Through the years, I’ve heard people say they “married the wrong person.”
In fact, 30% of divorced women give this as one of their reasons for divorce.
But that’s a dangerous mentality.
Just because you don’t feel you married your soulmate doesn’t mean your partner can’t become your soulmate.
It’s possible to turn your spouse into your soulmate, and, in fact, this should be every married couple’s goal.
Here are some examples of a soulmate-kind of love.
Finishing each other’s sentences is seen as a universal sign of romantic love.
But did you know that scientific research shows that this “skill” can be learned over time?
When people finish each other’s sentences, their hippocampus becomes more active.
The brain activity observed is very similar to what happens when memories are being accessed or processed.
So, it’s less likely that you somehow magically know what your spouse is going to say next, and more likely that you made an informed guess based on your memory of similar interactions.
As long as you keep spending quality time together and making memories, you’ll be finishing each other’s sentences before you know it!
Being a team is another sign of being soul mates.
These are peope who, at their very core, know that they are meant for each other, and have an “us against the world” mentality.
Contrary to what many people believe, this isn’t something that only happens becaus you're soulmates.
It’s the result of learning to trust each other fully to the point where you no longer question whether or not your husband or wife has your back; you just know it.
***You also give your spouse the benefit of the doubt and assume the best about them.
Being a team is something that you work towards.
For starters, you have to create healthy boundaries with friends and family because as long as you keep running to them with your problems, you’ll never be a team with your partner.
It’s you and your spouse against the world. To get to your spouse, “they” have to go through you, and vice-versa.
You also must be clear about your vision and goals regarding your marriage, finances, kids etc.
It’s hard to be a team when you’re are traveling in different directions.
You can have a soulmate kind of marriage, whether or not you believe in soulmates; begin by modeling these soulmate qualities.
But what makes it all work is this secret, which many couples find so difficult to practice: At its core, a soulmate-type of marriage is one in which both partners have intentionally moved from selfishness to giving.
In fact, if you really, really want to have the kind of marriage where you feel your spouse is your twin flame, then read and re-read and practice 1 Corinthians 13 consistently until your relationship mirrors the love, grace, and patience of Jesus Christ.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
June 3, 2023
IS YOUR MARRIAGE THIS HEALTHY?
Most of us know what an unhealthy marriage look like.
We know physical abuse, constant conflict and name calling have no place in a healthy relationship.
But do we know how a healthy relationship looks AND feels like?
What a healthy relationship feels and looks like…
The quickest way to determine if you’re in a healthy relationship is to think about how it makes you feel.
A healthy relationship feels safe, nurturing, comfortable and fun.
You should be able to disagree and resolve your conflict without fear or threats.
Being able to say “no” without being made to feel guilty or pressured into making sacrifices for the relationship at your expense is also a sign of a healthy relationship.
A healthy, happy marriage is also full of joy, gratitude, and laughter.
And if it’s a marriage of faith, God is at the center.
Does this mean you won’t have moments of anger, disappointment, and frustration? Nope.
It just means you’ll have more tears of joy than tears of sadness.
Boundaries
Healthy marriages have boundaries.
You should be able to discuss what you’re comfortable and uncomfortable with regarding family, friends, finances and personal space.
For instance, both of you should be able to spend time with friends and family without being required to check in every hour or without abusing technology to check (stalk) each other.
Communication
The most important aspect of a healthy marriage besides boundaries is communication.
The way a couple communicates indicates how healthy or unhealthy their relationship is.
You know you’re in a good marriage when you can talk to each other openly and respectfully about your thoughts and feelings, and feel heard AND understood.
Even when your opinions differ, you should be able to come together and negotiate a compromise without either of you feeling like they’re sacrificing too much.
While a healthy relationship goes beyond feeling good, having clear boundaries, and communicating effectively, these are three good indicators as to whether your marriage is healthy or unhealthy.
Until next time, this is Mike Tucker, and I want YOU to be mad about marriage!
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